May 2013
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Unsolicited
When you enter into a relationship in order to not be alone, you will always be alone.
1. No
2. Nope
3. Unh-uh
4. I’m done.
5. If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we’d all have a bowl of granola!
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When she starts it.
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Sitting under your desk and not moving seems like a good use of time.
“But there remained many a forest to wander through, many a mountain and glacier...”
– ‘Going to the Woods Is Going Home’ - Atlantic Mobile
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Mothers Day
I’ve been told that the reason my 19 year old father and 20 year old mother decided I would be a good idea was because my mother was bored at home while dad went to school and worked.
It would also appear that I was not nearly entertaining enough because three more children followed me.
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Back in the saddle
Went for my first run in 3 weeks today. Too many excuses. Too much being lazy. Best part about it was going with my whole family. Baby in the jogger. 4 and 6 on their bikes. Katie running with me. No my best pace or distance but it felt GOOD.
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Ideas of Genius
Hate Relief Service:
For the low price of $19.95 a month I will hate everything you hate for a month so that you don’t have to.
Just imagine how free and peaceful you will feel by not having hate in your heart. I will take it for you (for a nominal fee).
Her: We need to figure out something to tell people.
I: About what?
Her: When people ask us where our kids got their red hair from.
I: Tell them I've got fire pubes.
Her: ....
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Ideas of Genius
I am going to make pass out cards that say:
Greetings, please be advised that I have no intention of forming a physical or emotional relationship with you nor do I expect ever to see or speak to you ever again.
I would like to inform you that you appear particularly wonderful today and I have enjoyed your demeanor and personal style.
Greetings, please be advised that I have no...
I am an American heterosexual white male in my mid thirties with a middle class upbringing and living a middle class life style who affiliates himself with a Christian faith.
I am not the most attractive person you will ever meet nor am I the least attractive. I consider myself somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. As such a person I have been given a few compliments in my life regarding...
thekattcameback:
pineappleonastick:
alinatotheleft:
feathers-theangel:
musicbeatstherapy:
jelee-:
rockpapertheodore:
tinyspacebabe:
ok let’s stop using the term “butthurt” we’re not 12 anymore
you sound fannytroubled
a little bootybothered if you ask me
someone’s having a little tushytantrum
a bit asswounded
Don’t be so bumbugged
Quit crying your reartears
Don’t be a...
Ideas of genius.
The inconvenience store. It will sell silica packets. Condoms with holes in them. Frayed rope and expired milk.
Ideas of genius
Square mattresses. They will allow for more even rotation and wear.
2 tags
April 2013
Hogwash
Employee has now become familiar with the responsibilities of his position and is working towards developing others for his position. By continuing to work in his position and developing others he can achieve his full potential in his current position.
You're an Adult, Why Are Your Riding Your Bike on...
jewlesthemagnificent:
nerdy-south:
No Really What the Fuck Is Wrong With You?: A Story in One Million Parts
In Chicago I would scream at those people “it’s called a sideWALK FOR A REASON YOU IDIOT!”
Also add to this riding against traffic.
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Exactly.
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There is a glaring lack of Bromance in my life right now.
America Is a Safe Place →
pocketcontents:
Since 9/11, a total of 238 American citizens have died from terrorist attacks, or an average of 29 per year. To put that in some perspective, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, the average American is as likely to be crushed to death by televisions or furniture as they are to be killed by a terrorist.
TV kills.
Ban all furniture!
Truth
1
I do not delight in summer as a whole. To be completely truthful I don’t think that I ever really loved summer. There are things about it that I would look forward too. Late nights with friends, camping, family reunions but overall the summer always seemed to last too long for the activities I had planned.
Summer for me now is the most stressful time of year. We cut back because less...
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“Adventure and excitement are things a Jedi doesn’t crave.”
– Yoda
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“Roads? Where we’re going people mostly fly.”
– Doc Brown
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“Inconvinceable”
naimhe said: It better not be jello is all I’m...
If you’ll recall, I’m Mormon. As a people we enjoy jell-o. Not only do we enjoy jell-o, we enjoy putting vegetables in it.
Dear CHSH attendees,
I am holding you all responsible for turning my daughter into a Prima Donna. I’ve been informed that she appears displeased with the amount of attention her mother is able to provide.
I will need all of you to stop by my home today to pay her your respects. (Desserts will be provided).
CHSH
Another great year. Another great experience. Again, a thousand thank yous to Toni, Dan, Jess, and Jason for all the work they've put into organizing this event.
I think my daughter had more fun than anyone else.
I don't think a week would be long enough to make sure I got to spend enough time with you all.
Until next year if not sooner my friends.
Should have stayed in the pit a little longer. Thirty minute delay on the flight coupled with the quickest security line ever and we’ve got two hours to kill. In the airport. With a baby.
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